


The Actor and the Jester

by FanficFriday



Category: Dissidia: Final Fantasy
Genre: First Person, M/M, fade to black sex scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:07:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24010321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanficFriday/pseuds/FanficFriday
Summary: FanFic Friday is an event every week where I read aloud old fanfiction I wrote on my youtube channel, and talk about it, and how horrible and hilarious it is. It's a loving roast of myself and the fanworks that led to my creative growth as a writer, but uh... aren't quite up to snuff.This story: A retelling of Zidane's story in Dissidia from Kuja's point of view, oh and also he fucks the clown. I was a gay horny teenager, and I wrote about Kuja fucking the clown. In first person.  Please forgive me.
Relationships: Kuja (Final Fantasy IX) & Kefka Palazzo, Kuja (Final Fantasy IX)/Kefka Palazzo
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	The Actor and the Jester

**Author's Note:**

> Experience my utter horror and shame here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aO7k1Xomaz8&list=PLtFKKJBtHlSNNlokm3Uzu07zkdencAMa6&index=8&t=269s

  
_I am not irrelevant._

His name sends spasms of rage through my body each time I heart it: Garland. Though I know that the armored warrior is not the same man who created and then abandoned me, I cannot help but hate him. The name is a disease, and hatred is a trait that comes to me easily.  
  
_I am not replacable._

Seeing my brother on the other side of the battlefield angers me greatly. We'd always been enemies, right until the end... but I had come to peace with him. I'd thought the battles and the war was all over. Yet suddenly it had returned in the blink of an eye, in the same form of Zidane. My brother, back to kill me once again. I hate him. 

_I am not worthless._  
  
When Chaos put his claim on me and dragged me into his war, I was as I always had been; bitter, frustrated, ready to release my anger on any nearby target, Zidane especially... and I was lonely. Despised by the enemy for hurting their poor monkey; abhorred by my "teammates", who viewed me as an upstart rookie. It hardly concerned me as it was no different than what my life had been like. 

But I was determined not be abused, abandoned, or cast aside again. 

I would not be forgotten. My hatred and, though I would not admit it, my fear drove me into a frenzy during battle. That was when I caught his eye. He saw my hate, and felt it too. He saw my fear and laughed. For him, laughter was more natural than breathing. 

And it was thus that in the midst of my anger, an alliance was formed between the most unlikely of candidates; Kefka Palazzo, and me.   
A performance of such parameters had never been acted out before, nor even thought of; and it would be the one to change me forever. 

* * *

  
Uweeheehee! 

How wonderful! Absolutely brilliant! The ultimate battle of Dumb vs. Dumber, and I get to run amuck with all of them and destroy EVERYTHING! Uweehee! 

Ugh, these heroes, with their flowing capes and shiny swords and STUPID - FUCKING - HAIR! How many times do I have to level up before my beautiful blonde locks can defy gravity! Which parent was the Chocobo, Cloud: Mommy or Daddy? HAHAA! 

And the villians! The bad guys? Son of a Submariner! Three skanky whores, four idiotic brutes in armor, a mama's boy, a drunkard, and a Partridge in a Pear Tree! They're all idiots! I HATE them! 

It's all so... hehe... so funny. Blood against blood, lover against lover (cause Sephiroth is so fucking the chocobo); how cruel... how Magnificent! But I don't care about any of them! 

Not a one... 

I'm just here to cause Chaos! To move the pieces the way I want so that everything blows to smithereens! 

I decided to help that Kuja fellow bait his little brother to make everything more interesting. If we captured one of the goody two shoes, the others would just lose their minds! And the little monkey would be especially upset, since it was his darling brother doing the kidnapping! What fun! So, I offered my assistance to the mage, to spice everything up. To make it interesting... 

Interesting indeed... 

Uweeheehee! 

* * *

  
I was very used to having eyes on my back, for all sorts of reasons. 

In Alexandria, there had been many who did not trust me, for good reason. They would face me with a smile, but once I walked away, scrutinize my every move. There were those who watched me in envy of my magic, or my position in the castle, or of my beauty. Those were the reasons most kept their eyes on me. 

Some would watch me from attraction, but would shyly turn their eyes away once I faced them. Very few had the strength to sweep their eyes over my form while I was watching. I knew that I inspired lust in many and I used it to my advantage. But in those situations I always had the upper hand. 

In the situation with Kefka, I somehow knew that if I wanted the upper hand, I'd have to fight for it. He was the kind whose eyes would wander over me whenever, it mattered not whether I knew he was looking. If I caught him in the act he would simply grin, smirk, laugh, something of the sort. He had no shame. It was, in a strange sense, refreshing. But, it also felt strange knowing that, while he admired my form, I could not use it against him. He wasn't that weak. 

It was his idea to try and capture Squall Leonhart, one of Zidane's friends who preferred to travel alone. It seemed like a sound idea, but failed in execution. At the time I would not admit it, but the lion defeated me much too easily. I was no match. 

Later it would occur to me, Was I really fighting? Or was I simply acting out the part that I had been assigned, without truly wanting to play the role? There were openings the boy had left which I did not exploit. I think he knew that; that was likely why he did not finish me off then and there. Perhaps he knew that I was not into the role, so he did not perform his either. 

After that failure, it became obvious that a trap was in order. This plan went perfectly. Zidane certainly wasn't the brains of the family, and his friends weren't exactly geniuses either. I captured Bartz, the mimic, but it seemed I wasn't much enjoying the role of captor either. Kefka and I went to retrieve him from his "prison", and I could sense he had already woken up and hidden nearby. Kefka could as well, I'm sure. 

Yet, somehow, I found myself saying something to the effect that he'd disappeared, that we'd have to go find him. Kefka played along, and Bartz "managed" to escape. 

I wasn't sure why, suddenly, I'd lost the stomach to keep the boy hostage. As for Kefka, he likely thought it would be funny to let a hero run amuck in the villain's encampment. Bartz certainly did come close to recapture many times, especially when he ran in on a meeting between Sephiroth, the Emperor, and the time bitch Ultimecia. That was amusing to say the least. 

As time passed and I began to realize that, while I did not want to join my foolish brother and the light, I was not enjoying the dark activities I was engaged in. I had lost my fire, my interest waning. I simply didn't care anymore. 

Which made me wonder... if that was the case... then what kept Kefka from leaving? 

* * *

Foolish monkey... he fell for the same trap twice! HAHAA! There's a town somewhere missing their idiot, maybe we should box Zidane up and send him back! HA! 

It seems like his brother got all the brains... but not the guts! He backed out of every plan we made. I knew it; I was watching. He let the emo boy and the stupid wanderer go, and he doesn't get why! Uweehee! 

It's easy to see why! It's the whole reason I joined with Kuja in the first place! 

Kuja isn't light or dark. He might hate his brother, but that is the only reason he was sided with Chaos in the first place.   
Kuja's like me... he's on his own, for himself, and not for any "side". He no longer feels like doing "bad things" because he doesn't care. He's not evil; he's not good. He simply wants to destroy anything that gets in his way! 

There's a difference. There's the person plotting for power and glory who will kill to get what he wants, now that's pure evil, that's the real bad stuff. 

Then there's me and Kuja... we simply want to kill whatever we hate, and enjoy life's simple pleasures of death and destruction! For me, I just want to cause insane chaos and death everywhere! 

As for Kuja... he doesn't know what he wants anymore. He wanted to destroy everything when he was dying. Why should everyone else live when I die, he thought, and I totally agree! But that phase is done, gone, check mark that box! Lovely Kuja's not dying anymore, and he has nothing to tie him to the living world but a cheeky little monkey named Zidane. 

So what does a powerful mage with nothing to use his power for do? 

Hehe... uweehehehe..  
.   
Don't worry your little head Kuja, stop going all emo on me about not caring about anything anymore... don't you see that's the point! Don't care! Don't care! Laugh it all away and destroy it when it doesn't matter anymore! Hahaa! 

Hmm... Kuja... he wasn't the only one of our happy little Chaos family I could've joined with. There were others, some who were like Kuja and I. I could've helped one of them; they would've heeded my plans better, caused more destruction! 

So why didn't I? Why stay with the androgynous mage who can't decide what to do with himself? 

Uweehee... because... such power... such beauty... it would be terrible to let it all go to waste... 

Uweeheehee! 

* * *

  
Kefka's presence is sharp, acrid, like those spicy peppers. I could always tell when he was nearby, watching me. Usually he didn't stay in the shadows very long; his personality was the type that needed to be known, so he always announced himself eventually. 

"Heeellloo, Kuja, isn't it just a fine day for death and destruction!" 

Somehow his proclamation made me chuckle. He would say something similar to that every day. "Good morning, Kefka." Why was it that, unlike the presence of anyone else on the side of Chaos, Kefka's presence did not drive me up a wall? 

It would seem like he would be the one to annoy me most of all. But unlike the others, Kefka wasn't fake, nor was he foolish. People like the Emperor, who pretend to know all and are always plotting for themselves, I hate them. They will join your side and then kill you in the same breath. And those like Golbez, who remain on our side, insisting they are dark and evil, when it is obvious to anyone that they have the purest heart of light, they annoy me greatly. If you have the ability to bask in the warmth of the light, then do it. There are some who can't. 

Cloud of Darkness and Exdeath are elemental; they simply want all to return to nothing. They bore me. Sephiroth is easy to deal with; all he really wants is to torment his Cloud when he's not fucking him. Jecht, too, is simple, as he doesn't care about light or dark; he simply wants the chance to battle his son, and when it's over, return home with him. Those two were easy for me to get on with. 

But Kefka was even easier. Why? I think it partly had to do with his tendency to the theatrical. I love the theater, and am certainly theatrical myself. We had that in common. 

And hate. I could never forget the hate we both had, which brought us together in the first place. 

"Always thinking aren't we?" Kefka's voice took me out of my thoughts. His painted face appeared, upside down, in my line of vision. He was floating above me, a big grin on his face as usual. 

The way he floated brought our faces close together and I did my best not to let this bother me. I frowned at him. "One of us has to spend time plotting. You seem to simply let your whims take you." This made him lean away, belly laughing. I was relieved. 

"But wasn't it my schemes that got us this far in the first place? That idiot Bartz is on his way to your little brother right now, with our last trap. Then, it'll be your chance to finally get rid of him!" Kefka laughed again. "Uweeheehehe! It's too perfect! One stupid mistake, and the stupid boy will get his best friend killed! How horrible! How wonderful!" He kept laughing. 

As he laughed I tried to compose myself. Why was my heart beating faster? 

I had never been intimate, with anyone. Yes, I had used my beauty to get what I wanted, but never so far as to take anyone to my bed. I had died a virgin, and cared very little that I had. Most people were too frightened of me to get close to me. 

Kefka was not most people. He invaded my personal space all too often, and I admit it frightened me greatly. Closeness... intimacy... things I had never experienced with anyone. I was angered, I was curious, I was scared, all at once. All because of some insane clown. 

The man had stopped laughing and I noticed he was now simply grinning. In an instant his face was in front of mine again, and too late I noticed that I had flinched, quickly leaning away from him. That made him laugh... his breath collided with my face. It wasn't horrible. It was... warm. 

"Scared, master mage?" He asked, leaning ever closer. I couldn't stop myself from backing away. It angered me that I had been reduced to this, so I quickly summoned up the magic to use Flare star. In an instant the space in front of me exploded, but when the dust cleared Kefka was no where to be seen. 

"Now that's not how to treat your comrades, is it?" The clown was floating upside down a few feet away, hands on his hips while he shook them back and forth. 

I tried to think of words to say, as my anger surfaced again. He was treating me like a fool! "Don't test me, clown. I'm as powerful as you, perhaps more!" For emphasis, I used Seraphic Star which he dodge too easily. 

"Ooh, I know! I know, I know, I know." Now he was standing right behind me. I jumped, flipping around to face him as I let another Flare star explode. He laughed at my reaction. I was beginning to get truly angry. 

"Would I ever ally myself with someone lower than me?" He asked, now walking up the side of the giant sword in the middle of the area we were in, Dream's End. It was the remains of a large sports Arena, with a platform floating in the middle. I watched as Kefka flipped around and balanced himself on top of the sword. He giggled again, and hatred surged through me. Was he trying to taunt me! 

"What are you doing, Kefka!" I tried to ask calmly. My aura was beginning to surge with a red color. "Are you trying to frighten me, or thoroughly piss me off?" 

He burst into laughter again. "You are powerful, little mage. Very powerful!" The clown's smile turned into an exaggerated frown which reminded me of the stage mask representing Tragedy. "It saddens me to see your mighty power so wasted." He sighed, dancing to the left as he did. 

"All day, all night, you wander everywhere, floating about with a sigh like some love lorn goddess." The word goddess enraged me further, as it reminded me of how often I was accused of being a woman. I threw a ball of energy at him, then another, and another, but he danced and flipped around each one, laughing the whole time. 

"What are you here for, Kuja?" He asked suddenly appearing on the ground again. "Why are you in this war if you aren't going to fight! To kill! To burn - destroy everything!" He cackled. 

Things I didn't want to remember began to surface, and I shut my eyes. "Because I'm tired." I told him. "I'm tired of all that. It bores me now. I killed enough people during my lifetime to satisfy me." 

"ENOUGH!" Kefka suddenly leapt at me, and I leapt away to the stands, actually, truly frightened. I wasn't sure what he was capable of, and I didn't like how close he was getting to me. The man extended his arms and laughed again. "Uweeheehee! Enough, he says!" He speaks to an invisible audience, walking in circles and gesturing to the empty stands. 

"The little mage thinks that there's an end to the amount of death that can be handed out. He thinks there's an end to the craving for power, for destruction!" At this Kefka leapt up and floated in the arm, sweeping his arms out. "Little Kuja thinks that the urge to kill can just be bound up in a box and tucked away!" 

He flew at me, and this time I wasn't fast enough to get away. "Do you really think you can live the rest of your life like a goody two shoe keeping your anger and your hate inside? Letting it eat you up without releasing it on something, without killing, without destroying? You, who once, in anger, destroyed an ENTIRE PLANET!" 

Shocked, I lashed out finally, thoroughly enraged by the reminder. "HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT!" I screamed, throwing spell after spell at him. We were both flying now, as I chased after him and he cackled the whole way. "HOW DO YOU KNOW!" 

"UWEEHEE! But it's brilliant! The whole planet, gone in a flash!" As he floated on his back, arms behind his head, he wondered, "Is it just a coincidence that the name of the planet you destroyed and the name of the girl who keeps thwarting my plans is the same?" He looked at me as if I had the answer; I cast a Flare Star in his face. 

This one hit him, and he was flung into the stands, crashing through them. I stopped flying, floating above, watching to see him reappear. I knew this was suicide; we might be close to evenly matched in power, but Kefka was a kind of man I was not. He enjoyed the killing, the madness, and I... I didn't know if I did. I was no longer sure. 

An angry surge of magic destroyed more of the arena and before I even knew it had happened, Kefka had me around the throat, and I slammed back into the stands on the other side, Kefka leaning over me. We were touching, body to body; fear, and something else I hadn't felt before made my heart rush. I was still angry; I fought desperately to escape, I clawed at his hand, leaving deep gashes. He snarled. 

"Do you really think you can be one of the good guys?" Kefka asked me. His grip was iron on me, and for a moment I stopped thrashing. He leaned closer, whispering. "Do you really think you can live the rest of your life as one of those ignorant, peaceful little plebeians after you've had a taste of real power?" 

I had wondered that too. He didn't give me a chance to speak. "Look at those guys on the other side. Do you want what they have?" His lips were now next to my ear, so close that I could feel him speaking. No doubt that purple lipstick would be left on my skin. "Those idiots fight because they're told to, and when it's over, they go home to wives and children and responsibility and they sigh, they remember the good ole days, when everyone loved them as heroes and they spent their time kicking ass and saving the day." 

Kefka leaned back a little, so I could see his eyes. They were strangely sane. "They're bored. Just like you are. They want it too; the chaos, the death. They want us to be evil so they have a reason to fight, to kill. They're just like us, but they've convinced themselves that they're good, they only kill for a reason, but they're just deluded idiots. They're just like us. They just don't have the guts to kill and destroy freely like we do." 

His words made no sense but made complete sense, somehow. Yet, I couldn't see Zidane in that light. Some of the heroes might have been just as Kefka described, but not Zidane. He never did want to fight. He wasn't a saint; he was a thief, a liar, a ladies' man who couldn't remember which girl he was supposed to date that night. He wasn't a deluded madman who wanted a reason to kill me. He didn't even want to kill me in the first place. 

A realization came to me then, though likely not the one Kefka had hoped I would realize; I realized that I had been wrong. This whole time, this entire time I had hated Zidane for returning to kill me again. But I realized he didn't want to kill me. He was looking for the crystal, so he could protect those he loved and go home. He fought me because I kept it from him. 

I thought about the night of my death, when Zidane and I had made our peace. 

I realized he didn't want to fight me at all, and I didn't want to fight him either. I was simply jealous that he had a goal, a reason. What reason did I have? I had no crystal to retrieve, no loved ones to protect. I no longer wanted to be on the side of Chaos, but I was not on Cosmos's side either. What was my purpose? 

I didn't realize I had asked that question out loud until Kefka laughed.  
  
"Your purpose?" 

* * *

  
Purpose! Pah! The little helpless boy needs someone to tell him why he's alive. Well, don't worry, little Kuja, your good pal Kefka is here to lend a helping hand! 

See, what Kuja doesn't get is that there's no purpose at all. There's no reason for anything. There's just death and dying! That's all! And in the middle of all that, we all do whatever the hell we want. Some of us lie to ourselves that there's some bigger reason for everything, so we try to "defend the peace" and "protect the innocent" but there's no such thing as peace or innocence and you can't defend what doesn't exist! 

Kuja's problem is a lack of interest. Nothing interests him anymore; he's too good for it. I agree, this stupid war with Chaos is no longer interesting. I've tired of the idiots trying and failing to kill each other everyday. These stupid heroes had better find their crystals quick so the real fun can begin. Maybe I could just steal the crystals and give them to the good guys, wouldn't that just be a HOOT! 

The only thing keeping me interested right now is the beautiful, hopeless little mage who can't decide if he wants to kill his little brother or return home with him. Both options are booooring. Kuja's got it all wrong; he's such a strong mage, almost as good as me, and it's all going to go to waste if I don't remind him why he exists in the first place... 

"Don't you remember?" I asked, leaning very close. He was very aroused by it all, but I could tell by his eyes he didn't even know he was! So ignorant he didn't even realize what he was feeling. Hah! Such a cute little virgin. "You were created as an Angel of Death. That's   
your purpose. To kill, to destroy, to get rid of anything and everything in your path!" 

Hehe! Oh, how his angelic little face twisted when I said that! He was pissed! I was beginning to see the true Angel of Death. He threw me off easily then, and I flipped to a stop in the air. Ohohoh! The little one was glowing red, teeth gritted; looked like I'd pushed the right buttons. 

When Kuja finally looked up at me, the most beaaaaautiful look of hatred and anger was in his eyes! Wonderful! 

"You want..." He began, a small grin coming to his face. "You want to see the Angel of Death?" He asked, arms flinging out. Oooh! Here we go! I clapped my hands together in glee. 

"Yaaay! Now the fun can really begin!" I squealed. A burst of red magic swept through the arena; Kuja was now floating midair; his cute little hooker outfit was replaced by red fur, and a demonic grin covered his face. Wonderful! 

"Two can play at the game of POWER!" As I shouted, I switched forms; Two angelic wings appeared at the top of my back, two demonic ones at the bottom, my skin turned dark grey and I became a God. 

Uweeheehee! A battle of God versus Angel of Death! Blood, death, destruction, death, Kuja do you really think you don't want this! Do you really think you want to spend the rest of your days slowly dying by boredom in a little homely town! With a stupid family full of idiotic society slaves who do whatever their "Noble Leader" tells them? 

This perfect, beautiful form of pure power, do you really want to throw it away? To hid your magic and your tail forever! To try and live like a "normal" human being! 

You aren't normal, don't try to be. You're not like them, even if you want to be. You are an Angel of Death. That is your purpose!   
Now, show me your purpose! Fight, maim, kill, destroy! Turn everything to ashes! HAAAHAHAAA! 

* * *

  
As I floated above the ground in my other form, I watched as Kefka changed into his. Why were we doing this? What was the purpose? 

Anger had blinded me, and I must admit, it was refreshing. For a moment, I decided to stop worrying about the purpose, about the why. Kefka and I were fighting because we wanted to, no other reason. For once I was free from anxiety and fear. 

I waited for him to change, though I don't think I could have really taken him by surprise. Once his wings unfurled, I flew at him, charging a spell as I did. I started shouting, and did not stop until my voice was hoarse. 

We shed each other's blood and laughed, a God and a fallen Angel, destroying all in our path, turning it to dust. Madness took us to the other side, where only power ruled and there was no such thing as sanity. We did what we wanted and we destroyed the arena. It would be recreated by the universe's magic soon enough. 

Laughter echoed all around, and some of it was mine. I felt free. I was the true Angel of Death, sentencing all to oblivion, and it felt wonderful. Kefka had managed to pull me into his beliefs, to convince me of his truths; and like the beautiful, foolish princess of the old fairy tales, I had fallen into Kefka's arms without a fuss, and he knew it. I had truly become Death, just like he had wanted. 

Nothing matter, good or bad; my brother was miles away, about to fall for a trap that I had set in order to kill him. Because that was the role I was supposed to play. There cannot be a hero without an antagonist. Without darkness, there is no light, and there cannot be a performance without both darkness and light. I had found my purpose, and that was to act out my role as best I could, when the time came. Until then, I would be Chaos incarnate, death and destruction. 

And when it was time for Zidane to act out his role as the hero, and take my life for the sake of the Light, I would accept my death with grace, as only I could. 

* * *

  
Uweehee! 

For hours and ages we battled on, and my beautiful little mage monkey kept his form for a record amount of time. We were evenly matched until his magic faded, and he reverted back to his old self. I still remained a God... well, heh! I'm always a God! Hahaa! 

He kept fighting, and as brave as that was, he could never win! He might be as strong as me, but he's hardly tenacious unless you really get him fired up! And, sadly, I could see his anger was fading. But that was fine~ He hadn't run out of uses yet. 

Kuja knew he was done, too; unlike me, he bores of mindless violence quickly. Kuja is the type to stay in the background, moving the pieces and delighting in manipulation. Nothing wrong with that. But in battle, he's no match for the master! Uwee! 

The man began falling towards the ground, unable to summon up the magic to float, but I swept down and caught him like he was a feather. I didn't stop; we soared through the air far away from Dream's End, and like a itty bitty baby Kuja wrapped his arms around my neck and held on for dear life. It wasn't like he hadn't flown before! I couldn't be *that* bad of a flyer. I only flipped around ten or twenty times. 

It didn't take long to arrive at our destination; I flapped my wings a few times and actually managed to land gracefully. Kuja didn't seem to appreciate it, the little jerk just glared at me! What did I do? 

Once he was standing on his own, he turned to look at me. His eyes moved, widened, turned away, and he blushed. 

Oh, I saw that. 

"Did you just check me out?" I asked. How convenient that, in my God form, the only clothing I wear is a red cloth tied around my waist, which could be disposed of quickly enough. Hehee! I wiggled my eyebrows at him and he frowned. 

"I did not. And even if I did, it's not like you don't check me out all the time!" He shouted back. The kitten has claws! 

I moved to stand right in front of him; I could hear his lungs heaving. Was it from the battle we'd just had, or... hehee! Just delightful! Kuja's eyes left me, but he kept glancing back. And he backed away. Ohoo! Someone's having trouble accepting their sexuality!   
Actually, from the look of his clothes (*lack* of clothes), maybe not. Uweehee! 

I took a step forward, he took one back. Fear and nervousness was what I got from him, but there was something else too. He wanted it, I knew he did. But he was scared. Just like he'd thought he could live without power, Kuja had tried living without passion. But I inspired it in him, I knew I did! That scared the shit out of him. 

It looked like we would have to show Kuja the truth once again. 

* * *

  
How could I have known that, beneath the foolish Jester's attire, Kefka Palazzo truly did have the body of a God? 

  
Masculine, tall, and built, he seemed to be the epitome of male perfection, though his skin's dark grey color made him seem slightly mechanical, inhumane. And his eyes; it was easier to see his hate through these eyes. But on this day, I saw something else there as well, something that made me uneasy, and yet, ... excited? 

He approached me and my nerves made my feet jump back immediately. Yet, he did not laugh at me. I could tell that he was beginning to take on a more serious tone, and that worried me. Kefka was never serious. What in the world could we have to talk about that would demand a serious tone? My hands were shaking, but my long sleeves hid that fact. 

The first clue that he was "sobering up" was the fact he smirked at me instead of grinned. Like a predator, he approached me slowly, wings stretched out behind him. I was absolutely intimated, and I hated that. I wanted to kill him! 

"You are quite beautiful." He whispered. It didn't sound quite like him. His long blonde hair had somehow fallen free of its ties. He looked more like an angel with that hair strewn around his neck. 

I backed up again and hit something; when I turned I saw it was one of the tall glass structures that filled Kefka's Tower. So he'd taken me back to his place. Wonderful. 

Just as I realized this, I suddenly felt his form pressed lightly against mine. My breath hitched in my throat.   
"Why are you doing this?" I could barely whisper. Kefka leaned his head down and I felt his labored breathing against my throat. "Why the interest in me?" 

He laughed against my skin, his arms slowly trailing over my ribcage, until they rested right under my shoulders. I shivered against him, and he held me tighter. 

"Because even madness can recognize a kindred spirit." He spoke softly, before nibbling down lightly on my earlobe. Before this I would never have described the jester as someone who could be gentle. His hands began messaging my upper back as his lips traveled from my ear down my throat. 

I was deathly afraid, but also insanely curious. I couldn't have stopped him even if I wanted to, and I certainly did not want that.   
And it was thus that I spent my first night of love making with a God. 

* * *

  
Death and pain are a different kind of pleasure than passion. But they are pretty similar, once you get down to the roots. 

Both are violent attempts to control, to be dominant, to have power over everything. The results of Kuja's little struggle against me was his beautiful clothing in rags, thrown everywhere. I was never one for being gentle! Hehee. 

But it wasn't my fault it got so rough; the kitten did most of the instigating! Kuja's such a little rascal... Uweeheehee! 

We were both sprawled, butt naked, over the cold, steel floor, our clothing so torn up it'd never be worn again. How did one go about getting replacements for clothes in a realm such as this? There weren't exactly any department stores to go to. 

Then again, what fun it would be to fight the warriors of light stark naked! Heheee! It'd be absolutely BRILLIANT! 

... except for Kuja. He could never do that. Never should. Never, never, never. 

Speaking of, the little actor turned towards me, arms above his head, still breathing hard. He looked me over (heeheeee) and then smirked. "So... what is this?" 

Grinning, I turned onto my stomach and rested my chin on my hands. "Weeeell, when a Mommy and a Daddy love one another a WHOLE bunch-" 

Kuja retorted dryly, "I get that." Then his look softened - oh he's soo purty! "Is that what this is, love? I thought you hated everything."   
That comment actually surprised me. Well, it didn't really, I knew he'd ask. What was surprising was... I didn't know the answer anymore.   
So I thought about it. And thought, and thought, and thought, and thought. 

"Kefka." 

Oh, the kitten's getting impatient! Whoopsies! 

So I smiled big and turned towards him again. "You're right. I do hate everything! I hate it all! Hate, hate, hate Chaos, hate Cosmos, hate good, hate bad, hate dark, hate light, hate, hate hate it all, hate -" 

"Me?" Kuja asked. There was no emotion in his voice; it was just a question. 

"Nope." He was shocked. Oh, he's so cute when he looks so surprised! 

Hehee! So, to surprise him more, I leaned forward quick and planted a soft kiss on his nose. He turned scarlet. Awwwww! 

"Hate everything. Not you~" I smiled. 

Kuja rolled his eyes after a minute. "You befuddle me, clown." 

"Uweeheehee!" 

* * *

  
For all of Kefka's attempts to drag me into darkness, it seemed his work had pushed me the other way. What irony; if it hadn't been happening to him, he likely would've laughed. 

Just as I knew he would, my precious little brother fell for my trap. He appeared in the Crystal World, and I went there to face him. I could feel Kefka nearby, hovering, watching the performance carefully. Don't worry, mad clown, I won't disappoint. 

I did fight my brother, tooth and nail; he'd gotten stronger, but so had I. Our battle raged on, spilling blood all around. I knew that, wherever he was hiding, Kefka was delighted. I could feel it.  
  
Delight filled me as well. I was living my purpose. Once Zidane had proven his worth and defeated me, my role would be done, and I could finally rest. I was so tired, so very tired. It would be nice not to have to fight and plot anymore. 

My brother defeated me and I smiled. A surprised look came to his face, which faded quickly to sadness. I had been right; he didn't want to kill me. Seeing the proof made my heart soar, and my smile brightened even as I died. 

"It seems... the curtains are finally falling..." I told him, resting on one knee. When I glanced up at him, unshed tears made his eyes shine.   
"What could you be sorrowful over? You've won your crystal... haven't you?" 

He looked away to hide the fact that tears now coated his face. "Crystal..." He muttered. "I murdered my brother for a rock..." He chuckled. 

I shook my head. "You defeated your enemy to protect those you love." My voice began growing weaker as I fell to the ground. Zidane ran forward and caught me, his arms under mine. After I caught my breath, I glanced up at him again. 

"Forgive me." I told him. I coughed a little. "My... pride... kept me from joining you on the other side." That wasn't all, but that was all I could tell him. He shook his head. 

"I was the proud one. I should've tried to find you, talk to you,... something..." He was terribly shaken, and it hurt me. Here I thought I could die without pain, when I suddenly found myself aching for the one I was to leave behind. 

And Zidane was not the only one, to my great shock. I could still feel Kefka nearby, and it amazed me that his aura had changed. I was sure that, as long as he could enjoy the chaos and the battle, he would not care that I died. But... his aura had lowered. It was no long bright yellow and estactic. It was low... so very low... 

What irony... Kefka spent so much time with me, trying to bring me into darkness, and here I had managed to make him mourn...   
"Zidane... take it." The crystal appeared in my hand, and I handed it to him. He looked into my eyes, and I felt a tear fall upon my cheek. "I may never have been a Warrior of the Light... but you are my light. You... you had better succeed, little brother. I will be very upset if you don't." 

He chuckled half heartedly, but he took the crystal. I felt relieved; I was free to die. As my eyes shut and I fell into the final sleep, thoughts of only two people swam through my murky mind; thoughts of a thief, and a jester.

* * *

  
What does death matter! 

What does anything matter? Every pretty little flower, every cute little baby, its all the same decaying matter that dies a little bit each time it takes a breath. It's all going to disappear, none of it matters anyway. 

It's all nothing, everything is nothing, it's all death, destruction, despair, and I hate, hate, HATE, HATE all of it! 

I hate it! ... I hate love, I hate joy, I hate sex, I hate pretty girlish eyes and feathers and actors! I hate actors! I hate theater, I hate Shakespeare, I hate all those damned girly thespians! 

... Whooo... need a breather from all that hating... 

Hatred's so simple. It's fire that turns everything black, makes it all easier to deal with. Why love and live with the complications when hate is so much fun? Uwee... hee... 

It's easy to be elemental. Cloud of Darkness and Exdeath might be on to something there. They simply exist to fulfill their function, a task given them by those good ole, all seeing assholes in the sky. Turn all of existence into nothing. That sounds like fun. 

It's not so easy being human. Humans don't get that luxury. They aren't told when their born what they're gonna do with the rest of their   
miserable existences. So instead they get to spend their rest of their lives fucking it all up while they try to figure it out!   
And they get hurt, and they get sad, and then they cry, boo hoo hoo. 

So I figure, why not be more elemental? Simply become hate. Hate everything, and the flames fill you up until hatred is all that you are. There are no decisions to be made, no sadness to feel, because Hate does not make decisions. It does not feel sadness. It is Hate, and what does hate do? It HATES! HATE HATE HATE HATE! 

So I became elemental. I escaped my humanity in the simplest way possible; by shoving it into the back of my head, in a teeny weeny, tiny little box. Instead I let my magic fill me, and fueled by hate, I took the world over. 

After my death, the hatred didn't fade; it simply stopped for a little while. When one dies it really doesn't inspire anything. It's like, "Oh. I'm dead. Goody." Uweehee! Hah! Death didn't last long. 

So when I came back, with that little deal, ... why sign up? What did I care to work with a bunch of stupid lug heads that I HATE! Why work for gods that I HATE, against people that I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE! 

But... hehee... what fun it could be, I thought. What games I could play, what toys I could break. 

I didn't want the game played against me! 

URGAAAH! 

... stupid actors... I fucking hate them! Kuja... he was my toy, and I was going to play with him until he ceased to amuse me or something better came along. He was just supposed to be another play thing to use and toss aside. Another toy to break. 

He wasn't supposed to break me! No, no, nooo! That's not how it goes! 

I don't ... want him to break... 

I don't ... want to hate him... not him... 

I hate EVERYTHING - EVERYTHING! I HATE! 

... heee... 

* * *

  
I'm tired of being an Angel of Death... 

I'd rather die for real this time. 

_Are you sure?_

... who are you? 

_Have you accepted the light?_

Light...? 

_Heheh. Maybe I should put it this way... have you accepted your brother?_

... yes. 

_Do you love him?_

... yes. 

More than anything. 

* * *

  
I awoke to surroundings that were more chaotic than usual. 

"Oooh! That tickles!" 

"Don't toy with us, you stupid clown!" 

"Why don't you go back to the beach already!" 

Already I could feel a migraine setting in. I began sitting up. Suddenly it became very quiet, and I became aware that most of the eyes in the area were on me. 

All ten of the warriors of Light were on the right and left of me. I was surrounded by the heroes; and at the far end of the circle stood Kefka, bouncing on one foot as usual, with Squall, Tidus, and Terra right beside him, weapons drawn. 

My eyes quickly left Zidane, who was sitting beside me with a giant grin, to Kefka. I leapt to my feet, which hurt more than it should've. The world shook, I ignored it. "Kefka!" 

The concern in my voice must've surprised some of those around me, for I saw the confusion on their faces. They didn't matter to me. The clown heard my voice and cheered, leaping into the air into a floating seated position. Tidus and Squall kept their swords drawn. 

"Kuja, darling! You're alive!" He seemed truly ecstatic. "I was so frightened that you'd left me..." His giant grin became a pout. I was surprised. 

"I thought that was the plan." I told him, arms crossed. Those around us watched curiously, but the only one who came close to me was Zidane. He moved an arm around me to help me stand, and I nodded to him to show my appreciation. Then I returned to looking at Kefka. 

  
"Wasn't your plan to use me as long as I amused you, and then abandon me to my fate?" I asked. "At least, I had assumed so." 

Kefka let out a deep, playful sigh. "I thought so too." The humor left his voice, and his face became neutral. He actually sounded serious for a moment. "But if I did that... there wouldn't be a single person in this stupid world I could put up with! Hell, there wouldn't be a single person in the entire universe! Hahaaa!" That seemed to amuse him, and he slapped his knee. 

Terra, Kefka's old enemy, watched all of this with apprehension, and confusion. More so than the others, she could tell that Kefka was acting a little differently. He was perfection when it came to lying... but it seemed like he was telling the truth. 

"Kefka..." I began, stepping closer to him. "What are you doing here?" 

He looked up. Then he glanced around at the heroes, who were watching raptly. "What, with these guys?" He grinned. "Weeeeell, after watching your brilliant fight with the monkey, I... I went off somewhere. Then, uh... your pretty little goddess came and gave me a visit." He said this last part to the Guardian of Light. 

The tall warrior looked shocked. "What reason could she have to see you?" 

"Kefka is a liar, don't believe him." Onion Knight interrupted. He glanced at Terra, and saw that she looked unsure. This seemed to surprise him. 

I took the chance to speak. "Kefka may be morally corrupt and chaos incarnate, but he does not lie to me." I said this as I looked straight into his eyes. 

"Since when are those two so buddy - buddy?" Bartz asked Cecil quietly. The knight shrugged. 

Kefka giggled. "I never lie to Kuja darling!" He cackled. "Anyway... Her Royal Shiny-ness told me that I was no longer welcome on Chaos's side." 

I blinked. So did many of those surrounding me. "Come again?" I spoke for the group. 

He burst with laughter. "Apparently I just don't have enough darkness in me to be Chaos's anymore!" 

"Yeah right!" Onion Knight shouted. "You're a villain! How can you not be for Chaos!" 

I knew what Kefka's response would be; so I said it for him. "He's out for himself." I said. Then I looked back at him. "He's a god without a religion, a master without servants. Though amoral, he does not do anything out of true malice. He's like a child. A pest." Kefka pouted when I said "child" and "pest". "I say all of this endearingly, of course." I smirked. He clapped his hands together and cooed. 

"Oh, Kuja! You're so woooonderful!" He raced over and put his arm around my shoulder. 

"Get off!" I shoved him away, red faced. He was embarrassing. 

It would have been a wonderful moment to take a picture of the warriors of Cosmos, as they were all wearing a similar expression of befuddlement, confusion, and the expression of a parent who'd just walked in on their son making out with another boy. It was a sight to behold. 

But, I ignored the warriors other than my brother, who approached Kefka and I. For a moment, a pang of fear went through my heart. 

"So, you're ... what? Dating... my brother?" It seemed Zidane was having trouble wrapping his head around what Kefka and I were. So was I, ironically. 

"Yup! He's mine, mine, mine, all mine!" Kefka was happy to say. I glared at him. 

"How come I wasn't told about this 'dating' thing?" 

"But, Kuja darling! You didn't know?" I decided to spare myself the insanity and let that one go. 

Zidane turned to me and smiled. "Wow. A boyfriend. Not that I didn't see that one coming, but this guy?" He first motioned to my outfit, then to Kefka. I smacked his arm. 

"Hey!" The boy laughed. 

"Don't kid yourself, boy. I happen to be a prime specimen, perfect boyfriend material!" As Kefka said this, he posed, first with his arms flexed, then like a "sexy minx", winking his eye. "Why, I'm so good, I already tapped that! I tapped that a bunch of times, last night! He's quite a screamer and a fighter that one, and I've got the bite marks on my ass to prove it!" 

Everyone around us immediately turned white, blanching, and some proceeding to cover their mouths to keep from throwing up. Zidane simultaneously looked sick to his stomach, and also was laughing his ass off. I simply twitched. Then, a familiar red aura flared to life around me. 

"Kefka?" I said dryly. 

"Yes, sex kitten?" 

"You're dead." 

* * *

  
_The actor and the jester had begun a journey that no one could have forseen._

_It was a path full of shadow, which could lead to light or dark; no one could tell which._   
  
_The jester, still as menacal as ever, was still liable to fall into the darkness._

_Kuja, attached to the light by his newfound peace and the love he has for his brother, is the only buoy in the sea of shadows that Kefka has._

_Only time would tell if the bond that these two formed in hate could ever truly become love._

* * *

TBC?   
I am a sucker for strange pairings.   
(that last part was supposed to be like the voiceovers in Dissidia. XD)   
This is really, really weird but I like it.   
And these two really did team up in Dissidia; at first it shocked me, but as the game went on, it sorta kinda made sense.   
And I kept thinking about it...   
And this was born.   
The plot bunnies; blame them.   
XD   
____________


End file.
